Jun. 5th, 2006

State of me

Jun. 5th, 2006 02:22 pm
jameydee: (Default)
I guess I'm just depressed lately. As time goes by, I suspect more and more it's related to my thyroid, and at some point I have to go to the doctor and have it checked out...but see the first sentence. It renders all attempts at proactiveness virtually null.

Why do I think it may be hypothyroidism? My hair has gotten so thin and dry (also depressing). It breaks so easily. If I braid my hair, the total braid is thinner than what one strand in the braid used to be. My skin is dry, my face is constantly flaking around the edges, and the texture feels rough. And for the squeamish--look away now--my period has gotten so heavy, whereas it used to be fairly light, I soak through pads with blood. I'm cold a lot. I'll often have an afghan over my legs at home while I play when everyone else is in shorts or wants the fan on because they are hot. At night, I can't get warm; last night, for instance, I had the sheet, a blanket, a comforter, and the bedspread over me, and I was still chilled. Oh, and inevitably, there's weight gain, which increases my depression.

Thyroid tests = bloodtaking = needles = terror and high anxiety.

So I do what I always do, grit my teeth and soldier on. Mostly, I'm afraid that once I give in and start hiding away, I'll never come out. Getting up in the morning is a struggle. Once up and dressed, it's another battle to actually leave the house. It seems like too much effort. I used to get to work between 7 and 7:30, but for a while, I've been getting in at 9:00-9:30, and on one notable occasion, 10:00. Thank god for flex time. As late as I am, my co-workers are often later, so no one has said anything. Anyway, I'm forcing myself to get to work by 8:00 because staying late into the evening just depresses me more.

And, oh, joy, this weekend in my weary and forgetful state, I also lost my new and painfully expensive Dell Axim x51v PDA; it had a 1-gig SD in it. I'm still kicking myself. I left it on the table at Waffle House. I remembered the box containing Mike's insulin; I remembered the catalog I was browsing through, but I left the #$&@#! gadget. Of course, given the customer flow, whoever sat down next in our booth got a nice secret toy surprise. I keep hoping I'll look under a table or feel between two cushions on the couch and miraculously there my PDA will be. But as someone once said, the definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same course of actions and expecting a different result. I KNOW it's not under the table. I KNOW it's not wedged in the couch. But I find myself repeatedly wandering through the house, hoping it'll turn up, having been spontaneously teleported by aliens (or something to that effect). But there's like 1% of me that thinks that maybe I did have it when I got home, and I put it down somewhere not obvious. That 1% won't let me relax.

My name and phone number and email are displayed when you turn the PDA on; vainly, I've kept my cell phone on (for the first time in quite literally months), and checked my email regularly. Odds are long after 2 days. Like I said, someone got a heckuva free toy.

I've been to Dell's site and I've put the Axim in the cart (for the second time in 3 months), but I can't bring myself to finish the transaction. First of all, I have a crushing feeling that I don't deserve a replacement. Second, I was thinking of ditching the cell phone and PDA for a cell phone/PDA. T-Mobile has the HTC Wizard phone (the MDA); Verizon and Sprint have the 6700. Then there's the Motorola Q. But the whole effort of swapping carriers seem like too much hassle, and...well, see the first reason again. And then there's that nagging 1% again. ::sigh::

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